What is a “green light relationship”? Well, for starters, it’s a term I’m coining right now (I think...if you find another article on this, send it my way!).
But, obviously, it refers to the relationship between Gatsby and Daisy in The Great Gatsby. I got to thinking about the episode Devin and I put together for the We Ship It Podcast where we talked about their relationship and the relationships of other characters within the story...and how so many of them ultimately do not live up to the standards the characters originally had set for them.
This is something I want to dive into further...let’s talk about the “green light relationship,” examples of it, and why it’s harmful.
**DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor or an advisor when it comes to love and mental health; I am simply looking to explore this theme from a text-based standpoint.**
As for Gatsby and Daisy, their relationship ultimately fails. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons: Daisy can’t let go of her need for money and maintaining her social status, she’s not strong enough or lacks the courage to leave Tom, Gatsby is a bit obsessive and too controlling, and I’m sure the list could go on...but, ultimately, I think much of the pressure on their relationship stems from “green light syndrome.”
Gatsby CANNOT let go of the past...he CANNOT let go of an idealized conception of another human being, namely, Daisy. Physically, Gatsby waits on his pier every night, arm outstretched toward Daisy’s house for years, just yearning for the past...and hoping to recreate it in his future. But what does this symbol mean realistically?
It means that Gatsby has had YEARS to build up the character of “Daisy” in his mind. He took what little he knew of her from their “honeymoon phase” of only a couple of weeks together...and spent years developing it into his “Daisy”. However, on the other end of things, Daisy lived her own life...and she grew out of many of her old habits. Most notably, she married Tom Buchanan -and why she did this is up in the air, but I believe it’s because she lost her internal battle of whether to choose individuality and real love over society and money. In the end, she chose money. She became a new Daisy. Whether or not she’s a good Daisy...or a good person...that’s up for debate. But, naturally, she became someone else...someone new...a new person completely outside of Gatsby’s understanding of who she once was.
That’s made apparent when they first meet, and it becomes even more apparent every time they are together throughout the novel.
A scene that sticks out to me from my most recent re-reading of the text occurs at the moment that Gatsby is finally showing Daisy around his new house. It’s a very brief paragraph, but it sort of describes the outcome of what I’m talking about. Gatsby has idealized and idolized Daisy in his mind for years, and in meeting her again, his slight disappointment is evident. Upon departing from the house, Nick inspects a change in Gatsby:
"As I went over to say goodbye I saw that the expression of bewilderment had come back into Gatsby’s face, as though a faint doubt had occurred to him as to the quality of his present happiness. Almost five years! There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams – not through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart." (Fitzgerald 101)
This is such an important moment. Gatsby is “unwound like a clock.” He’s been dreaming of this moment for years, and now, here it is, and Daisy, as a human being, has fallen short of his dreams.
Gatsby almost sets her up for failure in this way. He expects the perfect, the transcendent, a love he built up in his mind...but, in reality, Daisy is human. And humans...well, we are not the most perfect, we are not transcendent, and we are not creatures to be formed and sculpted by the expectations of others.
Daisy is, in my opinion, mostly to blame for the way things end up with Gatsby, but it is interesting that his own expectations wind him up in such a way....that I don’t think he could really ever love the human version of the Daisy he has in his mind. She, in herself, is another green light. Gatsby has yearned for it all his life. And now that it’s here, noticeably, it’s JUST a green light.
So...what is the point of all this analysis? Well, I took this understanding...and I tried to apply it to my own life and that of the lives around me. I, too, have fallen victim to expecting more from people than they can provide. In the past, it has created very difficult relationships with very difficult endings. You cannot mold a person to your own idealized version of them. They are who they are. To expect anything different can only lead to your own disappointment...and it creates a control-monster within your own mind and heart...that refuses to love those around you BECAUSE OF their flaws.
Sometimes, having to cut someone out of your life whose flaws negatively impact you is necessary, but idealizing a person, expecting them not to have flaws can only hurt in the long run. And the only way to truly love someone is to understand who they are as a human...and love them for it.
On another note, ignoring flaws can be just as unhealthy for you...and for the person you are with. It creates insurmountable barriers for them to have to climb over, it does not allow them to grow as they are meant to in their own way, and it puts pressure on your own heart.
LET THAT PICTURE PERFECT IDEAL GO. Every relationship has flaws, as each one is made up of two parties...and it’s made up of PEOPLE. You will only love and be loved better FOR IT if you address a person’s flaws in a loving way. And sometimes, yeah, they may be seeking help and healing...and a way to grow past that flaw. If that’s the case, be their support and find them the help they need. But if not, if it’s just something that differs from your own lifestyle, learn to love them...and if you can’t...learn to lose them.
This lesson from Gatsby, this “green light relationship,” really opened my eyes. Not only does this happen among lovers, but also among friends and peers. Do yourself a favor...do the surrounding world a favor, and rise above in love. The world needs empathy, respect, and an understanding that we are all human. This does not mean that you should stop holding yourself to a higher and healthier standard, but certainly don’t be like Gatsby and lose your mind over things you can’t control.
Thoughts and feelings? LET US KNOW at weshipitpodcast@gmail.com!
Much Love, Stephanie
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